


Sunrise

by Nightwinging_it



Series: The Aftermath [4]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Destroy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Shenko - Freeform, mShenko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 13:10:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18335015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightwinging_it/pseuds/Nightwinging_it
Summary: Commander Shepard may be out of the hospital and recovering with Kaidan's help, but there are some scars that will never heal.





	Sunrise

Kaidan wheeled Shepard into the house. His mom had helped him make it more accessible after they’d agreed to bring Shepard here for the remainder of his recovery.

After months and months of surgeries, procedures, recoveries and relapses, physical therapy, psychologist appointments, and resting, Shepard had been discharged from the hospital. He was nowhere near healed, with a long road still ahead of him. But he’d recovered enough strength and stability to carry out the rest of his recovery from the comfort of a home instead of a hospital room.

Kaidan’s mother had given them the house, offering any help she could possibly give. Kaidan was grateful for the offers, but knew Shepard needed time before he had someone else’s mother fussing over him.

“Welcome home, John,” Kaidan said, unable to stop the smile that came to his face. Shepard had beaten the odds yet again, and here he was, alive.

Kaidan was going to get to keep his promise. They’d drink beers and watch the sunrise by the English Bay. Shepard would get to keep his promise of standing tall at the Memorial Wall on the Normandy.

“It’s quiet here,” Shepard said, struggling to get himself up from the wheelchair. His legs had been badly damaged when they’d found him, and it’d be a while before he could walk without help.

Kaidan went around to the front of the wheelchair, offering his hands to Shepard. Shepard reluctantly took the help, wincing as he stood on his legs. He’d needed plenty of surgery on both of them, and the recovery was a long, painful process.

Kaidan offered him his cane, knowing Shepard hated the dependency on anything. At least the cane made him feel a little more independent. Still, Kaidan stayed near him, though he tried not to hover. Shepard had fallen several times already due to his weakened legs.

But now, he hobbled forward, slow but determined. He stopped at the fireplace mantle, grabbing it to hold himself up. He looked over the pictures on it, looking over his shoulder at Kaidan.

“You really take after your dad,” he said quietly.

Kaidan’s smile turned sad. “Yea. I do. He was a good man.”

He went to stand with Shepard, putting a hand on his shoulder and looking at the pictures with him. He’d had plenty of time to mourn the loss of his father. Shepard had been so busy recovering, he hadn’t gotten much of a chance to mourn his losses. They were still fresh for him.

“There are a few, uh, things we didn’t discuss before we left the hospital,” Kaidan said after the silence had carried on a while longer.

Shepard looked at him curiously. “What things?”

“Well, you know, where you want to sleep.” Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly feeling embarrassed. “I can give you your own bed, if you want.”

Shepard looked at him in confusion for a moment before turning his head away, shoulder shaking lightly under Kaidan’s hand. Kaidan blushed and scowled.

“John,” he protested.

“Did you forget that night on the Normandy already?” Shepard said, turning back to face him and putting a hand on Kaidan’s cheek. He brought Kaidan’s face close and kissed him. “We can share a bed, Kaidan.”

“I just didn’t know if you’d be more comfortable sleeping on your own,” Kaidan said, his blush deepening. They were both adults, and it’s not like they hadn’t had sex together before. He shouldn’t have been so nervous, but he didn’t know how much Shepard’s body could handle anymore. He was worried even holding him wrong would hurt him. Not that he could say that aloud; Shepard grew frustrated with Kaidan’s caution, and that frustration often manifested in anger.

Kaidan understood, and he was patient with Shepard about it. Shepard had always been the strong leader, always carrying on despite his injuries. To be reduced to such a helpless state was frustrating and embarrassing for him.

But Shepard hesitated. “Maybe it would be better if I had my own bed.”

Kaidan almost spoke up, but he swallowed down his words. “Okay. I’ll just be a room over if you need anything. It’s been a long day, so let me show you around the house, and then we can go to bed.”

The doctors had told him about the nightmares Shepard suffered. About how he had often hurt himself thrashing. How he became so disoriented in that stage between dreaming and waking that he’d even struck at the employees, believing them to be a threat.

Yet Shepard never said anything about them, so neither did Kaidan. Kaidan had nightmares of his own. He understood the silence about the issue.

So he helped Shepard back into the wheelchair, and took him through the house. He got Shepard set up in the comfiest bed in the house, propping up pillows for him and helping him change into a pair of sweatpants.

“I’m next door. Just shout if you need anything,” Kaidan said, kissing Shepard. “Hopefully this bed is better than that hospital bed.”

Shepard shifted into the most comfortable position he could manage, yawning. “Much more comfortable. Night, Kaidan.”

“Goodnight, John,” Kaidan said, and left the room.

He climbed into the bed in the next room, his childhood bedroom. He still had work to do, but he’d been given time off to look after Shepard. News had spread that the Commander was still alive, though most of it was still just rumors. The Alliance would confirm the news when they were ready, and confident that they could protect Shepard’s privacy. They owed him that much.

It had been a long few weeks trying to prepare for Shepard’s discharge. Kaidan had spent sleepless nights getting the house ready for him, and staying with him at the hospital.

He buried his head into the pillow. He’d meant to stay up to make sure Shepard actually slept instead of trying to walk around, but he was out in less than two minutes.

***

The shout woke Kaidan with a start. His instincts kicked in and he reached for a gun before another shout snapped him out of his sleep-muddled state and he realized it was Shepard.

He scrambled out of bed and into the room next door. He froze, watching Shepard yell and thrash around, his face desperate and terrified.

“John!” Kaidan cried, hurrying forward. He restrained Shepard’s arms, calling his name over and over, hoping to wake him.

But when Shepard’s eyes finally opened, Kaidan could see just how disoriented he was. He struggled even harder, bringing his head up and cracking it against Kaidan’s in a panicked attempt to escape.

Kaidan nearly lost his hold on Shepard’s arms, but he regained his grip. “John, it’s me! It’s Kaidan! You’re okay!”

Shepard tried to kick Kaidan, but the pain from his knees had him crying out, and he hunched over, his breathing heavy and ragged. His struggles slowly died down as Kaidan repeated himself.

“It’s okay. It’s Kaidan. You’re okay. You’re okay, John, it’s just Kaidan.”

Shepard finally stopped struggling, though his body trembled from the sudden pain. Kaidan slowly released Shepard’s arms and Shepard rubbed his forehead.

Shepard looked up slowly, to where Kaidan had a mark on his head from Shepard’s attack. Kaidan sat next to Shepard, not touching him.

“Tell me what you need,” Kaidan said quietly. “How can I help you?”

Shepard choked out a laugh at that. “Kaidan, I’m…”

“Don’t apologize.” Kaidan rubbed his hands on his sweatpants. “John, it’s not just you. You don’t have to apologize or be ashamed. I hit my mom a couple times when she tried to wake me up from one.” He looked over at Shepard, who was covered in sweat and still shaking. “You don’t walk away from that kind of war without scars everywhere. You saw more than any of us.”

“I killed him,” Shepard said, his voice barely more than a whisper. “Anderson. I shot him.”

Kaidan stared at him. “What?”

“The Illusive Man controlled us when we were in the Citadel. He made me shoot Anderson. But it was still my finger pulling the trigger, Kaidan.” Shepard stared down at his hands. “I shot him right in the stomach. He died a few minutes later.” He swallowed hard. “I see it every night. I see your face covered in blood. I see Anderson’s face when I shot him. I see Steve’s shuttle going down. I see that Reaper beam coming at me. I see my friends dying, over and over. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

“I see the SR-1 exploding,” Kaidan said, looking down at his own hands. “I see you running back at the Reapers while the ship leaves without you. I see Ashley and Jenkins.”

Shepard reached out and put a hand on Kaidan’s thigh, a comforting touch. Kaidan covered Shepard’s hand with his own.

“I can fight like hell when I’m awake. Not when I’m asleep,” Shepard said.

“Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself, John. We all have those nightmares. It’s the cost of surviving,” Kaidan said.

Shepard shifted, letting out a hiss of pain and squeezing his eyes shut. Kaidan had nearly forgotten about him hurting his knee.

“Let me get-”

Shepard pulled him back down before he could get to his feet. “No. I don’t need the pain meds.”

“John,” Kaidan protested. “You’re in pain.”

“I like the pain meds, Kaidan,” Shepard said, his voice harsh. “Too much.”

Kaidan reached out, putting his hand on Shepard’s back. He’d feared that. They’d drugged Shepard so heavily in the hospital, it would’ve been a miracle if he’d left without a dependency on them.

“I…” Shepard stopped, ground his teeth together as he tried to get his knee into a more comfortable position. “I won’t rely on them. I’ve seen too many soldiers become addicts.”

“I’ll lock them up, if you want. Control how many you can have a day,” Kaidan said.

Shepard nodded. “Do that. And stick to it. Please.”

“Deal. Then consider this part of your ration for the day,” Kaidan said, getting up and stepping out of Shepard’s reach. “You need it. Don’t argue with me.”

He grabbed one of the many pills they’d prescribed Shepard and brought it back to him with a glass of water. Shepard reluctantly took it, and eased back after a few minutes as the relief kicked in.

Kaidan laid next to him, putting a hand on Shepard’s chest and running his fingers over the scarred skin. Shepard had tidied up a bit before leaving the hospital, but his hair and beard were still longer than they used to be. His appetite had gotten better, but he’d only put on a few pounds against the vast amount of weight he’d lost during his recovery. He looked like a different man.

But those blue eyes of his, tired and troubled as they were, found Kaidan’s eyes. Some things wouldn’t change.

“You share a bed with me at your own risk,” Shepard warned.

“I don’t mind risks,” Kaidan said, leaning forward and kissing him, shifting his hand so that it rested over Shepard’s chest, feeling his heart beat beneath his palm.

Shepard broke away from the kiss, eyes searching Kaidan’s face. “Kaidan…” He stopped, tried to regain his composure. Tried to be the strong Commander, always making the hard decisions. “I’m not the same. You deserve-”

“Don’t tell me I deserve better,” Kaidan said, cutting him off. “John, you don’t know how badly it hurt to watch you run off into battle without me. I asked you not to leave me behind, but I left you behind. That killed me. I refused to put your name on the Memorial Wall. I refused to leave the hospital when we found out you were alive. I refuse to leave you now.”

Shepard put a hand on Kaidan’s cheek and closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against Kaidan’s. His heart was beating harder under Kaidan’s palm, but he didn’t speak.

Kaidan closed his eyes, knowing there was nothing more he could say. Shepard would be plagued by guilt and doubt just as surely as pain. Kaidan had known that. He’d stayed by Shepard’s side anyways.

“It’s starting to get light out,” Shepard said after a while.

Kaidan opened his eyes and realized that some faint light was starting to slip past the curtains. He hadn’t even bothered to check the time when he came in here.

“I can fix the curtains if you want to go back to sleep,” Kaidan said.

Shepard shook his head. “I don’t see myself falling asleep anytime soon. Let’s just get breakfast.”

Kaidan got up, and pulled the curtain back, looking at the soft shades of orange, pink, and purple in the sky. He gave a small smile and turned to Shepard.

“Come on,” he said, holding a hand out. “We’ll have breakfast in a little. I want to show you something.”

Shepard allowed himself to be helped up, careful of his knee. Kaidan reached for the wheelchair, but Shepard shook his head and grabbed his cane. He swallowed down his dignity and leaned heavily on Kaidan as well, knowing that with the pain in his knee, he was at a high risk of falling right now.

Kaidan helped him out of the house and into a chair. He went inside and returned a minute later, handing Shepard a beer.

“I know you’re not supposed to have it with your medication but, well, I won’t tell if you don’t,” Kaidan said, sitting next to Shepard and putting an arm around his waist.

“Top secret, Major,” Shepard said, clanking his beer against Kaidan’s.

Shepard dropped his head onto Kaidan’s shoulder and put an arm around his waist. Kaidan let his head fall on top of Shepard’s, turning a little so he could kiss Shepard’s hair.

The morning was quiet, just a few birds chirping about overhead. The water shifted calmly, the sun reflecting off the surface as it started to rise towards the sky. Shepard focused on that instead of the pain starting to claim him again.

He’d fought so hard for so long, and this was his reward. Kaidan at peace beside him, the sun rising before them, and a beer in his hands.

He couldn’t have asked for anything better.

So they watched the sky shift and change colors as the sun climbed higher. Shepard stole a glance at Kaidan, his stomach fluttering at the content smile on Kaidan’s lips. He turned his head and kissed Kaidan’s shoulder.

“This was always my favorite view,” Kaidan said, and laughed, his shoulder lightly bouncing Shepard’s head. “We traveled the galaxy, went to all these amazing planets, and my favorite sight was the sun rising over the English Bay. How about that?”

“It’s incredible,” Shepard said, Kaidan’s joy passing to him. “I’m glad I get to see it with you, Kaidan.”

It was his first full day out of the hospital, and he got to spend it watching the sun rise. He’d survived, and now he got to share Kaidan’s favorite sight. He didn’t think the friends he’d lost along the way would begrudge him peace at that.

The morning was still cool, but the sunshine washing over them kept Shepard from feeling too cold, even without a shirt on. They enjoyed the view, the stillness of the morning, the sounds of the earth slowly coming awake for a new day.

“Are you hungry?” Kaidan asked once the sun was a good ways up.

Shepard was, but not enough to end this moment. “Not yet.”

He’d barely drunk his beer, his stomach recoiling a little at the taste. It’d been a while since he’d had anything stronger than juice. Kaidan’s was empty, but he was still holding the bottle in one hand, his thumb picking at the label on it absentmindedly.

“John,” he said, his voice soft. “I’m glad you got to see that view.”

“Me too,” Shepard said, picking his head up so he could kiss Kaidan.

They curled up together under the sunshine, holding each other. They’d made it through the war. They could spend every morning like this if that’s what they wanted.

The nightmares would always plague them. But the sun would always rise again, and they both took comfort in the knowledge that they could watch it together.


End file.
